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I am a defeated Christian. I've given up. I know only a few Christians weaker then me. I proved it; I can't do it.

I've failed at my own definitions of what a Christian should be. My resources to be Christian have been spent and used up, and there isn't much to show for it. I didn't go on any mission trip or crusade, I burned out on simple things ... things that look easy to other church-goers, but for me they were too much. I couldn't handle it, and when it was all over and I was wasted away ... I wondered if there was something simply wrong with me. I guess others that are stronger, will make it, but I will need to be excluded, because I couldn't take the heat of being Christian.

At that, I wept bitterly.

Why not me? Why so weak? What kind of mess is this Christianity that would exclude the sincere simply because their best still ins't enough?

I screamed it in my heart ...

What
is
it
?!?!

I expected silence. Instead I heard a Voice!

I heard THE Voice.

The Lord spoke to me, a religious drop-out and defeated pile of pity. I am not going to try to explain what it was like to hear ... it is beyond words. I'm going to try to put to words what was said.

He said this:
"Trent, I love you."

Can you believe that? It still echos in my ear, and I can hear the echo, though it is beyond my comprehension. God loves utter failures, and defeated drop-outs. God has room in His heart for people like me, weak people ... people who "can't" and they know it. God loves EVEN me. Provided that you can believe that, then you should know by now that you are safe in that love. Any God that can love me, can love you.

God loves you ... right where you are.

He cannot love you more.

He will not love you any less.

I wanted a God that would love me when I went to church. But what I found is a God that loves me even when I can't stand religion. I would rather have the God that I found in defeat then the God I was looking for through sucess. You see, I am weak ... so I need a God that can love the unlovely. I can't manage to stay lovely long enough anyway.

I don't care how many at church make religion look so easy, I can't seem to manage the least bit. So, now my boast is in my weakness and in the Gospel of Grace.