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I always had the attitude that I should have but I don't. I am often weary and overcome by the life that I have been dealt. I have regrets and can at times, feel cheated in what I desired not being given me to accomplish. I feel that I can no longer endure the isolation brought on by my illness and the smallness of my world seems to be closing in on me. I desire to either truly be able to live or to die and no longer hang suspended in this netherworld. These are the times that I falter. These are the times that my testimony of a valiant Christian soldier crumbles.

As I crumble, Jesus comforts me as no other can comfort for He knows my heart better than I. He reminds me of the Sovereignty of God in my life and in choosing all that I have had to endure. He reminds me of all that I could not endure alone but that endurance was made possible because of His faithfulness to me and in me. He shows me how each trial, that by all that is reasonable to human beings, should have torn me from the hand of God, only drew me closer to Him by teaching me more of Him. He whispers to me in that small still voice and reminds me that if I were not appointed to endure isolation, I would not have had such close communion with Him and how blessed I have been to have so much time to listen only to God. Each pain, each sorrow, each important relationship ended, is the process of letting go of this world that I might cling only to Him as He prepares me for the next.

Life would be easier if I could always muster the right attitude but I'm very thankful that I can't; for God has given me something far better than a positive attitude, He has given me to Christ. I can't depend upon me for I always break apart but I am learning that though I break and I crumble, there is nothing that can remove me from God's hand. In Christ I am held together and given substance even though I am breaking apart. No matter what I should suffer and no matter how senseless it seems to me and no matter how I long for God to LISTEN TO ME and end my suffering, Jesus is there to hold me and nurture me and show me the purpose of God that can only be accomplished in me when my purposes have been fully laid down.

I can know in my mind that God is Sovereign. I can know it and tell others but it is another matter entirely to live it. God will have His way in me. By the appointment of sickness in my life, He is forming in me not an attitude of personal strength but humbling me and forming in me an attitude of surrender. Not a surrender to my circumstance, to illness, but a surrender to Christ alone as He is the only one able to carry the cross that I have been given to bear. Though I crumble, Christ in me is strong. Jesus loves me and today, I will again, carry on.