Post details: Heart Song


Permalink 05:02:03 pm, Categories: Announcements [A], By Pam, 718 words   English (US)

Heart Song

I am a heart person, one who is governed by feeling rather than reason. If you ever question the depravity of the human heart, simply ask me for I have followed my heart to the end of it's depravity. I followed my heart down to death, real, physical death. I didn't know Jesus then and there were no bright lights waiting for me and neither were their flames. Only darkness greeted me there, the same darkness that filled my life, the same death that was my life's celebration.

The doctors revived me from death and I opened my eyes to conscious death and I was angry. I preferred to be swallowed by the fullness of death rather than to continue dancing to the tune of death that filled me from the depths of my godless and darkened heart.


God however, had another plan for me and allowed the doctors to revive me to again face the hopelessness of my hopeless life. Junkies are loved by no one and aren't able to fathom the love of God or imagine love being anything past the euphoria of heroin as it floods the veins and engulfs the mind and body in chains of physical and emotional relief. Complete relief of the constant knowledge of death and lovelessness. To be a junkie is to have communion with vampires and know what drives them and to be intimate with them. To be a junkie is to be owned by your own lust and to be gladly driven to your own destruction.

"My soul's illusion, your soul's illusion, love the broken dream..." "His eyes reflect as in splintered glass the image of his broken soul, tortured by his endless search for something that he used to know..." These lines of poems that I penned in a drugged stupor still echo within me and remind me of who I was when Jesus chose to reach down for me.

The moment Jesus saved me is the dividing line of my life. It is the moment that despair was supplanted by hope, and love, defined only as surcease from pain, was forgotten as true love flooded my being, and light filled the darkness, and I first knew Life. The night I accepted Jesus, I dreamed He gave me a white robe to wear and then months later read in scripture of the tribulation saints being given white robes to wear sprinkled in the blood of Jesus. I wept because Jesus gave me, a junkie, a vampire, a beautiful white robe to wear, sprinkled with His own blood. Jesus loves me despite the depravity of my own heart and the places where it led me.

I am blessed to have such a brilliant dividing line in my life. I'm blessed to have no question in how Jesus changed me. I am blessed in being allowed to follow the depravity of my own heart, to know fully it's deadly deceit, that I might more fully appreciate the fullness of Life that now dwells within me in Christ.

Jesus lives in me, who was once a junkie and I am a junkie no more. Jesus made me a new creature and set before me a new life to live. Not a life of riches or a life without pain. I am a heart person and heart people are experiential people knowing the fullness of the heights and depths of life; but since Jesus, my heart has sung a new song. My heart has been singing this new song for thirty years now and in those thirty years, I have again passed through times of shadow and darkness even greater than the place He first made himself known to me. The difference is the song, my heart never stops singing, Jesus. I no longer desire death to swallow me in nothingness even when bereft of all that is of earthly importance to me because the Life that is in me is Jesus and He is too strong for death.

No knowledge I have gained and no theology I have adopted can ever add anything to the complete and finished work that God imparted in me through Jesus at the moment of my salvation.

"When from death I'm free, I'll sing on!" And all of my songs into eternity will be, Jesus.

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Comment from: Trent [Member] ·
A fine reprise of an instant classic!

Permalink 07/18/06 @ 18:51
Comment from: Pam [Member]
Well...I thought I could gradually put back what I too hastily removed...this way, I kind of get to weed through them too. I guess I just did a little spring cleaning and now I'm reorganizing!

Thanks, though.

Permalink 07/18/06 @ 19:36
Comment from: lisa [Member]
Wow, Pam, this is DEEP!!!

You have an EXCELLENT testimony of just how much into the darkness Christ will go in order to bring His out of the darkness. He knew you were ready, even when you might've not know it just yet.

It makes no never mind of our past lives. When we have utterly exhausted every means possible of fulfiiling our desires, God knows we're ready for the True Love that only HE can give...and He waits... patiently... until He knows the time to move...
Thanks for sharing..
Permalink 07/18/06 @ 21:03
Comment from: Pam [Member]

Well, I've never been accused of being shallow!LOL!

There was a time when I tried to hide my past from my fellow christians. Then God brought something into my life that would not allow me to hide it. I'm not proud of my past but it is better to keep my skeletons out in the sunshine where they will sooner turn to dust and nothing can be dug up about me. Though I'm ashamed of how I lived when I was young, I certainly am not ashamed of Jesus in my life and all that He has done in me and for me. The drug problem certainly hasn't lessened since I was young either. There are more drug addicts than ever out there that need Christ's interevention.

Permalink 07/18/06 @ 23:28
Comment from: lisa [Member]
Amen Pam... definitely keep the skeletons out in the Son Shine.

I think, and mind you--just me musing aloud here... but too many of us try to keep our skeletons well buried. I know for a fact i do. I'm ashamed of them, basically because when I was involved in whatever, I KNEW better.

Could it be pride that holds the door tightly shut against them? Afraid if we let them out, our Christian friends/siblings will turn their noses up at us? Thereby making us friend-less once again? I've often wondered about that--there was a poem this week in our weekly newspaper, that I had meant to save (instead it got watermelon all over it.. Ohhh well LOL!) Anyways, the gist of it was 'the paintbrush'.. where the writer was saying that she must keep her paintbrush, because she's scared to let her friends see the 'real' her. Scared they won't like her, and so she paints a coat of another color on. Don't like that color? Oh, well she'll paint another color for you. The thing is, she was so scared to let others see her, that she painted whatever she felt she had to, in order to be accepted within her group of friends.

I thought this to be so sad! But at the same time, I thought how often we sometimes (or at least I do) paint ourselves up with a "holy" paintbrush. We paint on our Quiet times... add a coat of church attendance, and if that's not enough, we'll put a thick coat of church activities on. I did this for years--because I wanted acceptence by my parents, my mentors... friends... whoever. I figured as a 'good little christian' I could gut it out for God... sigh..

When He knew enough was enough, He stripped all my layers of paint off, and clothed me with His righteousness. That's all I need. Him. He's my everything. I don't need mankind's approval anymore, because His Peace guards my heart, and guards my mind...

Pam, I still like the way you share your heart--we CAN see Jesus living in you! :o)
Permalink 07/19/06 @ 00:31
Comment from: lisa [Member]
PS. Pam, I don't know if you've had a chance, or if you'd even be interested in it... but IF you want to read my testimony... it's at geocities:
just go there and do a search on lisab_1964. I've tried to paste the url, but I don't think a lot of the symbols are accepted...
Permalink 07/19/06 @ 00:40
Comment from: Pam [Member]
Hey Lisa,

I tried to look up your testimony and I kept drawing blanks...

I think all of can get so tied up making sure OUR TESTIMONY is good that we end up trying to lift ourselves up in a sinless state rather than lifting Jesus.

I know my life is much better without Christian pretense and I feel sorry for friends of mine that are still there especially, when I catch them looking down their nose at someone. I know they are in a lonely place working so hard at being good and being seperate from the world. It is so much easier just to be honest and focus on how great Jesus is. The rest takes care of itself.:0)

Let me know if there is another way I can see your testimony or if I'm doing something wrong.

Permalink 07/19/06 @ 17:38
Comment from: lisa [Member]
Hey Pam
Sorry for being so late in getting back with you. I just went over to geocities to see if I could find anything, but I couldn't I don't know WHY it won't work. Maybe try going to geocities dot com, and then type in the backslash then lisab underscore 1964 That's what it keeps bringing up... maybe it wasn't meant to be shared? LOL

I hear ya on the testimony thing. It took a while for me to muster up the courage to even put it down on paper, due to some other circumstances that wound up evolving because of it. I won't go into that, right now, but although God worked it out for good (the fact that one more person received His Message) it also served as a reminder of the fact it was chat and the garbage that goes on. I wanted to forget the garbage, and just remember the 'good' things that came about. But it's just doesn't work that way, does it? That would be like you trying to 'forget' your past of the drugs and nightmares, but in a way, you can't, because that was part of the catalyst that prepared you to be receptive to His Message.

Although we don't remain at the starting line, or in the infant stage or whatever, I don't think we ever quite forget it, or the events leading up to it. Personally, I've had to learn to not dwell on it, but rather look forward to the high calling that He's preparing us for..

Permalink 07/21/06 @ 12:22
Comment from: Pam [Member]
Hey Lisa,

I'll try again.

When I think about who I was before Christ it is like thinking about another person and that in fact, is the reality of it. If people know me and I tell them about my past, they are shocked because there really isn't anything of that girl left. I don't dwell their either, except to look back in amazement.

The only thing God didn't free me from was the hep c I picked up during that short time in my life. I first got sick at the same time that I got saved. For tweenty years, I chased symptoms trying to find out what was wrong and then in the heighth of my era of Christian pretense, I was diagnosed and all pretense was forever shattered. I was no more sick than I had been for tweenty years but the diagnosis changed everything in my life. Mostly, it changed the way my boys saw their mom and the was agrivated by the nasty things people at church said to them about it. I learned my lesson. I covered my past to protect my reputation and my family. I wanted that 'good testimony' but 'my testimony' was a lie that I had justified carrying. I'm not proud of who I am but that is where Jesus found me and it is His testimony, the testimony of His Righteousness and His Mercy toward me who deserved no Mercy that I am to bear. Now I lift Jesus and carry no pretense. If people think ill of me, it can't hurt me as long as I am being faithful to Jesus. It is only when I am busy lifting myself that what people do and say can cause irreperable harm.

I hate my sin and I don't brag about it but you can't stop my bragging about Jesus!

I can't wait to read some of your own articles, Lisa. I'm sure they are pure edification as you have always been one to edify me!

Permalink 07/21/06 @ 17:33
Comment from: lisa [Member]
Pam, you are so right!! I have to nod my head in agreement at what you said about testimonies. Churchianity was my testimony, but everything I had done was so shallow! So meaningless! But yes, when I dwell on what 'I' did, or how "I" behaved--yeah... folks saying things against me can hurt like all get out. however, when my thoughts are God towards (as they should be, sometimes I fall pitifully, though!) then the firey darts thrown by others don't hurt as much..

Can I let you in on a little secret? Every since Trent asked me if I'd like to contribute, my heart has pounded.. "Lord, PLEASE let it be YOUR stuff that comes through.... NOT mine!!' I don't I don't I DON'T want "lisa" to shine... not in the least. However, when Christ is lifted up... Christ is the Shining Light... Christ is the one who KNOWS our inner depravity... yet still loves us? How awesome!. It is to Him I run and ask Him to scrutinize everything that I type, and let me know if it's of Him, or just my religoius pride rearing it's head again. I imagine being a public blogger has many lessons of humility, and a chance to practice Phillipians 4:9. Any virtue? Any love? Any pure thing? Think on these things.

Self-discipline--part of the fruit of the spirit. I suspect that God is fixing to do something mightily (He seems to do that a lot, you notice that??)

Thanks Pam, you're a gem
Permalink 07/21/06 @ 18:31
Comment from: Pam [Member]
pssst., Lisa,

One thing that helps me is to remember that I'm anonymous Pam. I have a few friends who read that I've asked to in order to keep me accountable but other than that, I'm anonymous. That helps me a lot and I'm confident Jesus is going to shine through you, Lisa. No one could approach this with the fear and trembling you've just described and do otherwise.

Permalink 07/21/06 @ 19:12

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