I've been moping quite a bit lately, feeling that I've nothing to write. I've been feeling that I've nothing encouraging to say to anyone. You see, I've recently been diagnosed with a disease that is likely to take my life and most certainly, promises a rough ride between now and that final moment. Also during this time, my parents and my sister have turned their backs on me and our relationship seems to be ended. This is not the first time they have thrown me away but I think it is the last time. There is nothing quite like having those who should love you the most abandon you in the same week you are faced with the certainty of your mortality. The blackness of that pain has caused me to question my validity as a human being and a believer. I am not angry at God nor do I question Him but it is my own value and the reality of my beliefs that I have lately been unsure of.
I am not the first woman to face a painful death nor the only person not valued highly by those I was born to; but it is this dark valley that I must pass through and my moment of forsakening to bear. Jesus also faced that moment and passed through and I know that in Him is my safe passage.
My illness is the result of sin that I committed long ago and as a result, I have been ill to varying degrees for most of my life. It is easy for me to see how my being devalued as a child led me to the place of committing that sin and allow myself to be filled with sorrow and regret; but I know that is not how I am to live out my life in Christ. It is as if in this moment, the continual weaving of sorrow and hope that has been my life has come together in near final clarity and that which has been born of hope stands out in vivid contrast against the background of sorrow and despair. There is no room for bitterness toward another when I view the entire tapestry of my life in Christ. With each sorrow, God has created a darkened void that serves as a background to more clearly depict the light of His glory in my life. If I had not known the depths of abandonment and disregard, I could not so appreciate the unconditional love that Jesus has for me. Though I could never earn the love of my birth family no matter how I reshaped myself, Jesus has always loved me no matter what shape He has found me in. Though I be forsaken by all who should love me and even by my own body, Jesus will never abandon me.
In the place that I find myself now, there is no theology, no high-minded banter, and no room for judging any other. There is no room for the pretense of religion. There is only Jesus and He is all that I need. I know that it is Jesus Who will show me how to live while I am dying.
Though Jesus is all that I need, He has also given me much more. Though there is much in my life at present to cause despair there is much more to be thankful for. God gave me a husband who loves me as Jesus loves me. He loves me just because I am and he has been my faithful companion in life for nearly thirty years. I have a son that gave up a good job and moved 2,000 miles to be with us. I have another son who has brought into my life a young woman who is the daughter of my heart and they have given me a beautiful grandson. This Thanksgiving promises to be the most genuine holiday I have ever celebrated. It is one of reckoning that fills me with wonder as I acknowledge the work of God in my life through Jesus Christ in bringing me to the point of faith in which I have learned in all things, to give thanks.
My beloved daughter, I have both redeemed and forgiven you by Him I sent to suffer and die for you. It is only your rejection of that Truth that leads you into temptation. ~ God [Letters from God and His Christ - Volume Volume 4 ~ One...]