I am a heart person, one who is governed by feeling rather than reason. If you ever question the depravity of the human heart, simply ask me for I have followed my heart to the end of it's depravity. I followed my heart down to death, real, physical death. I didn't know Jesus then and there were no bright lights waiting for me and neither were their flames. Only darkness greeted me there, the same darkness that filled my life, the same death that was my life's celebration.
The doctors revived me from death and I opened my eyes to conscious death and I was angry. I preferred to be swallowed by the fullness of death rather than to continue dancing to the tune of death that filled me from the depths of my godless and darkened heart.
God however, had another plan for me and allowed the doctors to revive me to again face the hopelessness of my hopeless life. Junkies are loved by no one and aren't able to fathom the love of God or imagine love being anything past the euphoria of heroin as it floods the veins and engulfs the mind and body in chains of physical and emotional relief. Complete relief of the constant knowledge of death and lovelessness. To be a junkie is to have communion with vampires and know what drives them and to be intimate with them. To be a junkie is to be owned by your own lust and to be gladly driven to your own destruction.
"My soul's illusion, your soul's illusion, love the broken dream..." "His eyes reflect as in splintered glass the image of his broken soul, tortured by his endless search for something that he used to know..." These lines of poems that I penned in a drugged stupor still echo within me and remind me of who I was when Jesus chose to reach down for me.
The moment Jesus saved me is the dividing line of my life. It is the moment that despair was supplanted by hope, and love, defined only as surcease from pain, was forgotten as true love flooded my being, and light filled the darkness, and I first knew Life. The night I accepted Jesus, I dreamed He gave me a white robe to wear and then months later read in scripture of the tribulation saints being given white robes to wear sprinkled in the blood of Jesus. I wept because Jesus gave me, a junkie, a vampire, a beautiful white robe to wear, sprinkled with His own blood. Jesus loves me despite the depravity of my own heart and the places where it led me.
I am blessed to have such a brilliant dividing line in my life. I'm blessed to have no question in how Jesus changed me. I am blessed in being allowed to follow the depravity of my own heart, to know fully it's deadly deceit, that I might more fully appreciate the fullness of Life that now dwells within me in Christ.
Jesus lives in me, who was once a junkie and I am a junkie no more. Jesus made me a new creature and set before me a new life to live. Not a life of riches or a life without pain. I am a heart person and heart people are experiential people knowing the fullness of the heights and depths of life; but since Jesus, my heart has sung a new song. My heart has been singing this new song for thirty years now and in those thirty years, I have again passed through times of shadow and darkness even greater than the place He first made himself known to me. The difference is the song, my heart never stops singing, Jesus. I no longer desire death to swallow me in nothingness even when bereft of all that is of earthly importance to me because the Life that is in me is Jesus and He is too strong for death.
No knowledge I have gained and no theology I have adopted can ever add anything to the complete and finished work that God imparted in me through Jesus at the moment of my salvation.
"When from death I'm free, I'll sing on!" And all of my songs into eternity will be, Jesus.
For your repentance to Me and love for the Son has caused me to remember your sin no more. It is separated from you as far as the east is from the west. ~ God [Letters from God and His Christ - Volume 1 - A Warning About Falling Back Into Sin and the Ways of Demons]